You are allowed look for a partner

There is a common saying, that you’ll find love when you stop looking

I used to repeat this saying to myself and friends when I was growing up, I took it to mean that I shouldn’t actively look for a partner, instead I should devote my time and energy to living a fulfilling life

Which sounds like solid advice

Except that it reinforces that we need to be passive in our desire to find a partner, that we need to wait for them to find us, and we need to create a perfect fulfilling life to deserve them

Which isn’t how it worked out for me

Years ago, I was working with a coach (@brenda_fredericks) and one of the themes that came up was my desire for a boyfriend. I really wanted one. And in her wisdom, Brenda asked me to list out what I wanted to experience with a boyfriend. Where did I want to go, what would we do, how would he treat me etc. I listed them all out and she told me my assignment for that week was, as much as possible, to do that for myself. Which I did. Brunch is my favourite meal and so I took myself out to brunch somewhere lovely and I really treated myself. I had a great time, so much so that I took this on as a regular practice.