I faked orgasms in the my first long term relationship when I was 19

I faked orgasms in my first long term relationship when I was 19.

We were both pretty clueless when it came to s/ex.

I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted.

He was mostly focused on getting his cock in me and to climax as quickly as possible.

This meant our whole sex script revolved around his pleasure.

And that our sex was often painful and uncomfortable for me.

Because penetration happened so quickly.

When I asked for what I wanted, he was often resentful and  dismissive

Which shut me down even more.

He also had a habit of criticising my weight.

One time I was in front of a mirror admiring my body and it’s soft form and he made a point of telling me to go to the gym. 

That I had put on weight and that he didn’t find me as attractive anymore.

And with all this, I still thought it my duty to fake orgasms.

So that I could give him the pleasure of hearing my enjoyment

And mask it’s utter lack thereof

Or to speed up his moves so that it would stop the discomfort

When he would leave to go to the bathroom, I would touch myself to bring myself to climax

And the cocktail of furtiveness, the chance of being caught and the anger made those pretty hot

I decided to break up him with after I had cried during s/ex

My body and soul was fed up at allowing myself to be used as an object for someone else’s pleasure at the cost of my joy

I made a decision that day never to fake an orgasm again

Life is too short for that shit

And I never have since

By the way, I don’t think he was necessarily a bad person

It would be easy to label him as a narcissist and judge him

But really I think he was trained by porn 

And raised in a society uncomfortable with female pleasure

I had forgotten about this story until I saw some post on my feed about faking orgasms

And today as I remember it.

I feel shaking RAGE.

Rage that I was never taught to value myself sexually and to ask for what I want

Rage that my initiation into s/ex was so fucking terrible

Rage that I didn’t know how to stand up for myself when I was spoken to cruelly

Rage that he hadn’t learned to be a considerate lover 

Rage that I didn’t have the skills then to feel the anger and pain of this and now I’ve to do the work of healing and feeling it +15 years later

The positive side of this rage is that it drives my passion.

I don’t want woman of any age to have those kinds of experiences in sex

I’m devoting my life to creating a world where every woman can have positive, empowering, beautiful, expansive, ecstatic sexual experiences

That’s my game. 

And I feel like I’m just getting started.