I haven’t been jogging in three weeks, after having a peak week.

I ran the furthest I had ran in years.

Each jog was a joy and I could feel the possibilities of this practice expand ahead of me.

Then nothing.

To be fair it was cold outside and so I hit the gym instead.

Lifted weights.

Then it was the lead up to my period, so I was going gentle and slow. 

And then on Wednesday I had no reason not to run, had planned it in the morning and found myself napping instead.

What was happening?

I got curious and it hit me, that I felt uncomfortable with the reality of becoming a runner.

It challenged my old + unconscious self concept that I’m not a fit person

And the joy of achievement that I felt from running was destabilising

The tingly, expansive rushes of possibility were incongruent with the general sense of malaise that I’ve become adapted to in my body these past few heavy years

You could say my avoidance of jogging was me self sabotaging, or self protecting from the discomfort of growth

I love when a realisation like this hits

Because it means what’s been unconsciously driving my behaviour becomes conscious and I can then attend to it

Not with force or shame, or shoulds and pressure, but with love and understanding

Because of course it feels weird to go from being unfit to fit

My experience of the world will change with that pivot

And also our culture is more celebratory and complementary towards people who exercise regularly

And accepting that affirmation feels like a condemnation of the part of me that’s been less active this past while

It’s a whole thing to navigate through

So I got back out yesterday and jogged.

And it was fun to be outside moving again.